Let GO the EGO! The Silent Saboteur of Our Lives

We've all heard the phrase, "He's got a big ego," or "Her ego got in the way." But what exactly is this "ego" we speak of, and why does it wield such immense power over our lives, often leading to isolation and regret?

Ego, in simple terms, is our sense of self-importance, our identity, often inflated and rigi

dly held. It's the voice that whispers, "I am right," "I am better," or "I deserve more." While a healthy sense of self is crucial, an unchecked ego can become a silent saboteur, slowly eroding our relationships, peace of mind, and ultimately, our happiness.

The Roots of Our Behaviour: Where Ego Takes Hold

Our natural human behaviour is often driven by two primary factors: orientation and assertiveness.

• Orientation: Are we primarily task-oriented, focusing on getting things done, or people-oriented, prioritising relationships and harmony?

• Assertiveness: Do we tend to be aggressive, pushing our agenda forward, or passive, accommodating others?

Combining these, we see four natural behavioural patterns emerge, each with its own underlying intention:

• Get it Done: Often seen in task-oriented, assertive individuals.

• Do it Right: Common in task-oriented individuals who might be more passive but driven by perfection.

• Get Along: Typical for people-oriented, passive individuals.

• Get Appreciated: Frequently observed in people-oriented, assertive individuals.

These intentions are entirely natural, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with them. They form the basis of our interactions and how we navigate the world.

However, things turn murky when ideal conditions are thwarted or disturbed. This is the critical juncture where ego often steps in. When our core intentions are challenged, misunderstood, or unfulfilled, our natural behaviours can warp into something less constructive. This is when the subtle whispers of ego escalate into rigid declarations:

• "I am right."

• "You are wrong."

• "I am the only right."

• "I am the only right, and everyone else is wrong."

And so it spirals. This is ego at work, transforming understandable human intentions into a defensive, often destructive, stance.

Why Does Ego Persist? The Cause and Effect

Ego persists for a variety of reasons, often rooted in our formative years, societal influences, and how we react to thwarted intentions:

• Upbringing and Conditioning: From a young age, we're often taught to strive for success and recognition. While positive in moderation, this can inadvertently foster an ego that constantly seeks external validation. Comparing ourselves to others, the need to win, or the fear of being perceived as weak can all fuel the ego when our initial intentions (like "do it right" or "get appreciated") are challenged.

• Insecurity and Fear: Paradoxically, a strong ego often masks deep-seated insecurities. When we're unsure of ourselves, we might overcompensate by projecting an image of superiority. The fear of being wrong, criticised, or rejected—especially when our "get it done" or "get along" intentions are disrupted—can cause the ego to put up a defensive wall, making us resistant to feedback and vulnerable to perceived slights.

• Attachment to Identity: We tend to strongly identify with our achievements, possessions, opinions, and even our struggles. This attachment creates a rigid "self" that the ego fiercely defends, even when it's detrimental to our growth or relationships.

• Instant Gratification and Validation Culture: In today's world, with social media providing constant opportunities for likes and validation, the ego finds fertile ground. This can lead to a continuous need for external approval, making it harder to find contentment from within.

The effects of a persistent ego are far-reaching and often devastating, observed in both professional and personal spheres:

• Damaged Relationships: This is perhaps the most painful consequence. Ego thrives on being right, even at the cost of harmony. It manifests as a refusal to apologise, an unwillingness to compromise, or a constant need to dominate conversations. Family and friends, who are meant to be our pillars of support, can slowly drift away when met with an unyielding ego. Arguments escalate, misunderstandings fester, and genuine connection becomes impossible. "Why did they leave?" we might wonder, oblivious to the invisible wall our ego has built. In professional settings, this can destroy teamwork and collaboration.

• Stunted Growth: An ego-driven mind believes it already knows everything. It resists new ideas, constructive criticism, and opportunities for learning. This prevents personal and professional growth, leading to stagnation.

• Increased Stress and Anxiety: The ego constantly strives to maintain an image, to be superior, or to control situations. This relentless pursuit creates immense pressure, leading to chronic stress and anxiety.

• Loss of Empathy: When we are consumed by our own perceived importance, it becomes difficult to truly understand and connect with the feelings of others. Empathy, a cornerstone of healthy relationships, gets overshadowed by self-absorption.

The "Ego Trip": When You've Lost Your Way

We've all probably been on an "ego trip" at some point – that moment when our ego takes over, leading us to say or do things we later regret. It could be an arrogant outburst, a dismissive attitude, or a refusal to admit a mistake. The realisation often hits later, sometimes after the damage is done.

How Can You Come Back Once You Go on an Ego Trip?

As I emphasise in my masterclass, "How to Get the Best in Worst Situations: A Practical Guide in Human Relationships," we cannot change people; we can only influence them to change themselves. The good news is that the path back from an ego trip, and indeed, the journey of "letting go the ego," is always available. It requires self-awareness, humility, and consistent effort.

1. Acknowledge and Own It: The first and most crucial step is to recognise when your ego has taken over. Be brutally honest with yourself. "Was I being defensive?" "Was I trying to prove a point rather than listen?" Owning your ego's actions is the beginning of change.

2. Practice Self-Reflection: Regularly pause and reflect on your interactions and reactions. Ask yourself:

   • What was my motivation in that moment?

   • Was I seeking validation or genuine connection?

   • How did my words/actions impact others?

   • What could I have done differently?

3. Cultivate Humility: Understand that you don't always have to be right. Embrace the idea that everyone has something to teach you, and that making mistakes is a part of growth. Apologise sincerely when you realise your ego has caused harm.

4. Listen Actively: Instead of waiting for your turn to speak or formulating your rebuttal, truly listen to others. Try to understand their perspective, even if it differs from your own. This builds empathy and breaks down the ego's walls.

5. Focus on Contribution, Not Credit: Shift your focus from gaining recognition to making a positive impact. When you contribute without needing to be praised, the ego loses its grip.

6. Practice Mindfulness: Being present helps you observe your thoughts and emotions without getting caught up in them. This allows you to identify ego-driven impulses before they manifest into hurtful actions.

7. Seek Feedback (and truly hear it): Ask trusted friends or family members for honest feedback on your behaviour. Be open to hearing what they say, even if it's uncomfortable. This requires immense courage, but it's invaluable for growth.

8. Forgive Yourself and Others: Holding onto past ego trips or resentments only feeds the ego. Learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself, and extend forgiveness to others.

"Letting go the ego" isn't about becoming a doormat or losing your identity. It's about shedding the protective layers that prevent true connection, authentic living, and genuine happiness. It's about finding strength in vulnerability, wisdom in listening, and peace in humility. When we truly let go of the ego, we open ourselves up to a world of richer relationships, profound growth, and a deeper sense of inner peace. It's a journey worth embarking on, for the rewards are boundless.

L K Moorthi